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Deviltry

Somewhere in Florida…

 

— Hello?

— Hello?  Pastor Jones?

— Uh… his Holiness isn’t taking calls.  May God be with you.

— Tell him it’s the White House.

 

— Pastor Jones, — says Obama — thank you for taking my call…  How are you?

— Uh…  How are you, Mr. President?

— Well, pastor, I'll tell you why I called… General Petraeus seems to think that if you go ahead with your plan, y’know, to burn a Koran in your front yard that, well, some of our boys over there in Afghanistan might get killed.

— Mr. President, Jesus threw all of the moneychangers out the temple…

— Yes, Terry, I understand…

— … and if you don’t stop them here they will ram the Sharia code…

— Yes, it’s terrible what they are doing, but I have to ask you for a favor.

— What?

— Would it be OK for me to give your number to Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf up in New York and have him give you a call?

— Mr. President, you want me to talk to an Arab???

— Well, yes…  You see the Imam is thinking of putting up sort of a Muslim swimming pool next to the World Trade Center and the neighbors are getting upset.  So I thought that if you and the Imam could get together and have a beer...

— Mr. President, you want me to a have a beer with a Muslim?

— I see your point, sir.  Imams don’t drink beer.

— How do I know he isn’t going to suicide bomb me?

— Well, Terry, how about if I give you my word that we won’t let him bring any suicide bombs with him, OK?

— Yes, Mr. President.  And may God bless America.

 

xxx

 

Somewhere in Pakistan, in an underground mudhut of sorts…

 

— Hello?

— Hello, Osama?

— Osama isn’t taking calls.   Insha’Allah (in Allah’s will).

— This is Ayman Al-Zawahiri, his second in command.

 

— Hello?

— Osama — says Ayman — thank you for taking my call.

— I told you not to call me, how did you find my number?

— It’s not important — implores Ayman — I am calling in the name of jihad.  I wanted to know why you aren’t sending someone to disable the pastor in Florida.

— Well, the thing is… I’m over it.  I’m underground now, trying to save my ass from all these drones.  Why don’t you deal with it yourself, send a couple of young recruits, suicide vests… and boom!  Don’t you remember what I taught you?

— Osama, I’m short-staffed.  I don’t have anyone reliable.  You gotta understand, we can’t possibly fail in this operation.

— I can’t help you.  The suicide bomb doesn’t turn me on any more.  I have my virgins...  I’m tired of being a national security threat.  Did you hear the last Colbert Report?  They captured my driver!  Forgive me, brother, I can’t do it.  I’m retired. Call the Al-Shabaab guys in Africa.  Maybe they can do it.  Allah Ysalmak.  (Allah bless you)

— Oy, Osama, Osama, can’t you at least issue a fatwa?  We haven’t seen you on TV since March.  The boys need inspiration…  Please, brother, in the name of Mohammed, Islam and Allah

— Ayman, I said no.  Allah Ysalmak.

 

xxx

 

Somewhere in Florida, at a crossroads of sorts…

 

— Our father who art in Heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done....

— Hello.

— Uh-oh... — gulped the pastor.

— Pastor Jones, you want to burn the Koran.  Is that right?

— Yes, I plan to burn the Korans.  That’s why I pray — says the examinee quietly.

— So, explain then, why do you want to do it?

A pause.  The pastor moves his fingers, then says:

— Well... we feel that this message is necessary.  We feel that radical Islam needs this message. The time has come that we speak to radical Islam and tell them, “no more, no longer, we will not be pushed around, and we will not bow to threats.”

— When you say ‘we’ and ‘them’, who exactly do you have in mind?

— ‘We’ the Americans, ‘they’ the Muslims.

— How do you think the Americans feel about your plan?

— They are in need and must be supportive.  They need someone to step up and speak for them and tell Islam what we really have in mind. We should protect ourselves from evil.

— How do you think Muslim Americans feel about your plan to burn their sacred book?

— They should understand.  We are burning a book.  We are not killing someone.  We are not murdering people.  I am willing to put my own life on the line.  They should get it.  They need to point their fingers at radical Islam and tell them to shut up, tell them to stop, tell them that we will not bow our knees to them.

— Describe how you came to this decision.

Pause.

— Who?

— So, you decided to burn the Koran...  What exactly makes you feel that it’s necessary?

The preacher after a heavy sigh lifts his head slowly:

— Islam is a religion of hate.  The Koran's teachings are a demonic and ongoing satanic stronghold under which Muslims and the world suffer.  Islam is a stronghold of hatred, fear and violence.  Islam is the devil.

— Who told you that?

— Jesus... the Bible.  We are… as the Bible teaches, as Jesus teaches, we are intolerant.  I wish that all Muslims would get saved.  I wish that they would all convert to Christianity... because Christianity is the one and only true religion.  Jesus Christ is the only way.

— Have you read the Koran?

— Jesus has spoken to me about it.  The Koran denies… denies the deity of Christ.  It denies the fact that Jesus has risen from the dead... that he is the only savior.  The Koran is an evil book.

— Have you read the Koran?

Silence.

— Have you read the U.S. Constitution?  Are you familiar with the concept of freedom of religion, of worship?

— The Constitution says Muslims are more than welcome in America.  They are welcome to worship.  They are welcome to build mosques.  But radical Islam is evil. We do not want it in this country.  It’s Jesus speaking.  It’s his message.

— What else did my son say to you?

— He said to stop Islamic immigration.  They are only coming to this country to…  to take over, to try to enforce Sharia law, through population growth… through political means, through educational means… they're only coming to try to enforce and force their laws, their Islamic laws upon us.  Stop them.  Please stop them.  We should stop them immediately, right now.  Stop them now, please, please, please… — the pastor cries, tears dripping from a long mustache.

— You're being warned by the U.S. military that you will put the lives of Americans in danger, are you worried about US troops?

— I am willing to put my own life on the line.  If soldiers get killed, it is not... it is not my fault.  I am not guilty.  I don’t want that… I didn’t mean to…

The pastor weeps.

— What must I do, Lord?

— You must undo what you have done.

— How, Lord?

— Thou shalt tweet it away — thundered the Lord.