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Home The Feuilleton of MilSan and MikWag
The Feuilleton of MilSan and MikWag

Profiles in Ignorance and Partisanship: Old Senator Shelby

The economy is ROCKET science, Shelby.  That means that you need Noble laureate economists to manage it.   The last thing the U.S. needs is a 77-year old senator from Alabama who graduated from law school in '63 micromanaging appointments to the Federal Reserve based on a litmus test of no-stimulus.


Back in his prime, 42 years before he was 77 years old that is, Shelby didn't even notice that we got to the moon and back because rocket scientists were in charge at NASA.


Shoot, if ol' Shelby has been in charge of the congressional committee overseeing the space program, we'd still be futzing around with bottle rockets in our backyards.


What a moron.  I'm sorry for the conclusion, but if follows from the facts stated above.


What A Wonderful World

Songwriters: Thiele, Robert; Weiss, George David; First recorded by Louis Armstrong 1968


I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom, for me and you

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world


I see skies of blue, and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, dark sacred night

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world


The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces, of people going by

I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"

They're really sayin', "I love you"


I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow

They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world


Yes, I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Oh yeah


A Day at the Races

I used to enjoy going to the track to watch the greyhound races when it was free.

Around 11 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, they release a mechanical rabbit in the form of an opinion piece by Brooks.   The greyhounds think it’s real and go tear-assing after this utterly fake thing.

I loved to watch the feistiest greyhound of all time--Marie Burns--when she got a late start yet pulled into the lead. And Karen Garcia’s elegant lines.  And big old Gone-with-the-Wind Walter Rhett loping along.  And the idealistic dogs from somewheres high in the mountains.

My personal favorite was Gemli, when he or she ran.

It was hilarious and idiotic at the same time.

The track makes a fortune.  I’m sure they pay Brooks something, but they don’t pay the greyhounds a thing.  It’s a total racket.

The sad part is the greyhounds of course. They could be out protesting or working on election recall campaigns, or sitting in.   If they had their wits about them, they’d realize that the way to catch Brooks and chew him up is to not chase him at all.    If the lead greyhounds were to lose interest in chasing that rabbit, the track owner would find another lure.  Bring back Kristol... or a wind-up Glenn Beck or something.

Alas, the noble greyhounds (and they are quite noble)...

With the exception of JLP from Palo Alto.  I don’t know how that mudder gets onto the track, but he isn’t much to watch.


The Sketchy-Sketchy Feuilleton — or — it's All Happening at the Zoo

A new zoo in Washington opened this morning in my mind.


Mind you, I’m not the first to visit this thing.


A noisy sprawl.  Animals come and go subject to the whims of voters, except for the justice-dispensing kangaroos.


In the Monkey House, a 24-hour camera.   Every now and then a chimp jumps up to the podium and relieves himself.   Sometimes all the monkeys swing in, screeching.  They gesticulate, bare their teeth, hoot and holler, fight over who sits next to whom.  Then they get bored and leave.


In the Reptile Chamber, 100 specimens.  Lizards to your right, turtles to your left.  They're more deliberative than the chimps, and they don't stink up the place as much.


More primate colony in the Galapagos than zoo.


Birds everywhere.  Preening, screeching, pooping.  A chorus of Blue-tied Parrots squawk: "We don't have a revenue problem, we have a spending problem," and things similar.


Vultures.  Buzzards.   And bad bears.   Y'know, the ones they used to exile to Hetchy Hetchy but always managed to find their way back to Yosemite.


There’s a zoo-within-a-zoo in the zoo that opened this morning in my mind.  Real pandas, seals, orangutans, cotton candy, a speckled bear, native Americans...


Eagles?  Rare sightings. Practically extinct.


Dodos?  As ubiquitous as pink flamingos once were in the Everglades.


How the Chairman Solved the Budget Crisis

In February 2010, President Barack Obama proposed his 2011 budget of $3.82 trillion with a projected deficit of $1.645 trillion. The budget did not pass by the September 30 deadline, and the government has been funded by a series of six continuing resolutions. On April 8, 2011 Congress was still dickering over $70M funding for Planned Parenthood, an amount representing 70/3,820,000 or 0.001832 percent of the total.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board -- Mark Twain

The chairman called the meeting of the Dover Board of Education to order and cordially yielded the floor to the superintendent.

— The projected revenue for 2011 is $9,679,319.41, — recited the superintendent, — and right now our budget is at $17,000,311. We just need to find another $311 to cut. Surely we can squeeze another 0.001832 percent...

— Mr. Chairman, may I be permitted to speak? — croaked a raspy throat and continued — I solved our problem last night. I cut all the line items in the budget into little strips, put them into a hat, and pulled them out one by one until I got to $311.

— What cuts did you pull out of your hat this time, Mr. Boner? — inquired the genial chairman.

The dark school board member’s eyes shone with delight, — We just need to zero out these books that the library wants on sex education, evolution, and climate change. They come to exactly $311. Then we’re done!

— I smell a rat — shrieked a pretty cheerleader representing the student paper, — Are you sure you...

— Scout’s honor — puffed Boner, slapping on another nicotine patch and adjusting his tie.

— Look, — said board member Reid, — I did the same exact thing that you did, but from out of my hat popped three pieces of athletic equipment: a football jersey, a pom-pom, and an athletic supp…

Impossible, — exhaled board member Boner, — I won’t permit any cuts for our brave students in uniform.

Board member Reid fished for three more strips, — Here’s library requests for Palin, Bush, and the complete works of David Brooks.

I'm so sorry, — purred the chairman, — Mr. Boner will only permit us to cut discretionary items.

— Why not raise the school tax by $0.01 per household? — suggested the cheerleader.

— Never! — moved the cyanotic lips.

— I can’t read lips — said Reid, — but if we don’t pass a budget tonight, the schools will shut down.

— So be it! The dark one thundered.

Close the schools over $311? It’s less than 1/10,000 of the total budget!

Coach Ryan says its way more than that.

Is our economics teacher, Dr. Krugman, here? — warbled the chairman.

— Present!

— Dr Krugman, what is $311 divided by $17,000,000?

0.001832 per cent responded the Nobel Laureate.

I mean in ten thousandths…

0.182 ten thousandths.

Thank you. Would you be so kind as to inform Mr. Boner that it is less than one ten-thousandth?

It’s less than one ten-thousandth.

Accounting tricks! Coach Ryan says it’s more than one ten-thousandth so I'm using the more conservative estimate.

Mr. Boner, if I may speak plainly and freely, we all know that you want to remove the books on global warming, sex, and evolution to energize your base.

That’s ridiculous! The people didn’t send me here for business as usual. The people expressed their will in the last school board election. They want cuts. I’m willing to abandon my proposal to defund those books and give the money instead to the Christian Students Association and let them decide which books to buy. I say we get government out of the students’ bedrooms.


Osamapus' Garden

Buried at sea? Tough year for the ocean—BP, Japan radiation & now "Hey mind if we put Bin Laden in here?"

Tweeted by comedian Jimmy Fallon


I'd like to be under the sea

In Osamapus' garden in the shade

He'd let us in, knows where we've been

In Osamapus' garden in the shade


I'd ask my friends to come and see

Osamapus' garden with me

I'd like to be under the sea

In Osamapus' garden in the shade.


We would be warm below the storm

In our little hideaway beneath the waves

Watching his head on the sea bed

In Osamapus' garden near a cave


Fish would swim and dart around

Inside his skull they can’t be found

I'd like to be under the sea

In Osamapus ' garden in the shade


We would shout and swim about

The coral that lies beneath the waves

(Lies beneath the ocean waves)

Oh what joy for every martyred boy

Knowing he’s happy and he’s safe


We would be so happy you and me

72 virgins telling us what to do

I'd like to be under the sea

In Osamapus ' garden with you.


The Battle of the Budget

The party elite knew that the war wasn't going well and it was just a matter of time before utter annihilation.

But they were too afraid to tell the fanatical leadership.

That's why no one tried to stop the fanatical leadership when they asked the strategists for the genius plan.   The strategists code named it "The Ryan Budget Proposal."

They launched the surprise attack in February.  Caught everyone by surprise.  Took some ground, got through the lower house of the Reichstag.

Then it encountered fierce resistance at the strategic city of Vérité (formerly known as Bastogne).

They sent in an emissary, demanding unconditional surrender: "Yield or we shut down the government."

Krugman (not to be confused with General McAullife) chewed on his cigar, asked an aide-de-camp for a scrap of paper, scribbled a four-letter response:



Realpolitik: Amerika - or - Looney Tunes

Realpolitik:  Amerika

- or -

Looney Tunes

Facts and Deductions:

1. American elections can be bought, courtesy Supreme Court.

2. Obama hopes to have $1B for the 2012 election

3. The Koch brothers alone can call that bet and raise.

4. People like the Kochs determine the Republican presidential candidate.  They won't repeat the mistake they made in 2008. They will determine that Ryan is on the 2012 ticket. They will pair him with someone else who is electable.

5. Republican strategist know how to devise an electoral strategy.  As usual, it will manipulate evangelicals, second amendmenticals, anti-abortionists, anti-semitics, xenophobes, homophobes, and (it's so fundamental that I almost forgot) racists.  New this time: muslimophobes and young people -- by painting baby boomers as parasites.

Naturally, your every whim will be catered to if you live in a small state, courtesy your low-hanging senate seats.

I almost forgot JOBS.   Remember last time?  They will swear on a stack of bibles that they will focus like a laser on jobs.

6. If they win in 2012, they will make sure that the next election is more efficient.  Things will happen that make you, dear citizen, worry that your electronic vote isn't secret. You will become afraid that if you don't vote for them there will be consequences at your job, or with your taxes, or that your kids won't get into that private school.  You will find yourself gerrymandered or driven into a district that is 100% democratic.

7. And when Porky Pig's deeply held values drive him belatedly to a patriotic act, he will be made into sausage by the intelligence, military, security, police, judicial and penitentiary apparatus of Amerika.

8. Tha.. tha.. tha.. tha.. that's fascism, folks!!


Eman al-Obeidi and the el-Qaddafi Thieves

Cowardice is the greatest sin.

Mikhail Bulgakov


At the Rixos Hotel, in the center of Tripoli, the 100 Journalists sat at breakfast, consuming their daily ration of propaganda.  A damsel in distress burst into the room and threw herself at their feet.  In slippers, a veil and a black robe, she came to tell them a story.  Her name was not Scheherazade and it was not a tale from A Thousand and One Nights, but she did hope that her story would keep her alive for at least another day.

The woman’s name was Eman.  The western chevaliers, who had sworn fealty to the truth and were telling it from Tripoli, were shocked by what they heard.

Eman had been travelling with her brother-in-law to Tripoli when she was stopped at a checkpoint and abducted by the Black Knights of el-Qaddafi.  She pulled up her skirt, exposing blood on her thigh, and shouted, “Look what Qaddafi did to me.”

She said that for two days fifteen men had raped her.  They bound her with rope, urinated and defecated on her, filmed her and swore at her.  “They violated my honor.”  The journalists saw bruises on her face and rope burns on her arms and ankles that attested to the truth of what she said.

That is all we know about the sadistic violation of Eman.  She only had a few minutes to tell her story before the Black Knights put a tablecloth over her head and abducted her once again, this time to the fortress of the evil Qaddafi himself.

Why did Eman go to the Rixos Hotel?  We may never know.  Perhaps she thought the journalists would save her.  Perhaps she was thinking of the stories that follow, the stories of people living in impossible circumstances who nevertheless stood up to evil — regular people, who risked their own lives, hopes, and dreams to protect the lives, hopes, and dreams of others.

It was Friday, March 25.

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